Friends, my heart is a little broken. A little less than a month ago I found out that I lost my second pregnancy. I was nine and a half weeks and while the baby measured that size on the sonogram the baby did not have a heart beat. The moment that the tech said "we should be able to see the heart beat", I felt mine stop. The tech flipped on the ultra sound "sound" and there was deafening silence. What I had anticipated to be an beautiful experience was instead a brutal one.
Although our baby was not very far along, as soon as you know you are pregnant an attachment forms. I already knew the due date - March 23rd. I had already planned my maternity leave. I had already been impatient to know whether baby #2 would be a girl or boy. I was already in love.
I have no words that fully express the pain of the loss I continue to feel. But I think maybe sharing this with you will help me work through that pain and maybe, if I am lucky, help you if you ever experience the same. I have been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by women who have trod this path of sorrow before me. While this path is deeply painful no matter what, other lights shine on it. Thank you my friends for sharing your pain with me and holding mine sacred as well.
Just a few more details. This was our first sonogram. Owing to work/vacation schedules it was later than usual. I immediately went to the hospital to get my blood drawn and I had surgery the next day. My doctor did not recommend the medicine to spur my body to have a miscarriage or waiting it out. Surgery carries it's risks, but I am not a person who deals well with waiting, it made sense for me. I did ok the morning of the surgery. I was sad, but still in shock. I was lucky my husband had been with me for the sono and the surgery.
Genetic testing was done and this week found out our baby girl was positive for Turner's Syndrome, which is when there is missing an X chromosome, and is a very common cause of miscarriage. My doctor said this is the "best news in a worst case news scenario" meaning that it doesn't indicate that there is something wrong or that I would be likely to miscarry again.
Since my follow up appointment and finding out what went wrong to cause the miscarriage my broken heart is not quite yet ready to move on. My heart wants to linger here and remember my March Baby Girl.
Hi Sweetheart.
Mommy loves you and misses you.
I was on vacation the week before the sonogram and I started listening to Rob Bell Podcasts. Perfectly timed universe. I stole the title for this blog post from a recent podcast from Rob on the Wisdom Tradition. Honestly, the wisdom set of podcasts from Rob as well as the lamentations series have helped me so much.
Recently, Rob talked about a friend of his who used to ask "what are you doing??". For the most part this phrase was maybe awkwardly inserted into conversations when someone was being a little rude or complaining, but as Rob says, it can kind of get stuck in your head. Right now it is stuck in mine. Given that I don't feel quite ready to move on...what am I doing? Well, first I am writing to you...now you know about March Baby Girl.
Second, I determined to hit a physical reset button. I searched around for what to do and determined to follow Whole30. It's helpful that I already own the book, but also helpful that it's focus is really on "Whole foods" so no fruit, veggie restrictions. It also lasts 30 days, which is about the same amount of time as I have left before the doctors said we should try again. I dedicate these next 30 days to March Baby Girl. My Whole30 journey starts tomorrow. If you want to follow along I hope to post semi-regular updates. Mainly because I want this to be a month of reflection, healing, and time to give to my baby who is now a spirit. But whom I love just as much as though she were still here with me on earth. I love you sweetheart.
