Sharing the Burden

When I was pregnant with my now almost-3-year-old son I was very fortunate to have a pregnancy free of any major issues (though don't let anyone tell you that a pregnancy free of major issues is not hard...it is HARD work to grow a human while still trying to function as one yourself...but another story). I have friends who at, or around, the time I was pregnant had miscarriages. I was sad for them. I could only imagine the pain of losing a promised baby. Some of these friends had multiple miscarriages with no successful pregnancies. I felt lucky. Very Lucky. And apart. I felt apart, because this experience, of losing a promised, wanted, planned for, loved before conception, child was one I did not share.

Today, I share in the humanity that is having lost that wonderful, loved, and hoped for child. I see you more fully now my friends. I love you more deeply and I hold you more gently in my heart. You and your pain are so precious to me. I am so sorry for your loss, but so fortunate to have to in my life. Because you are strong and brave and so lovely to me.

I have had 2 miscarriages. The first baby, when we went in at 9.5 weeks, while developing, did not have a heartbeat. After testing it was found that this baby was missing an X chromosome, she was a little girl with Turner Syndrome. The second baby only made it to 6 weeks. I went in for an early sono-gram and this baby had a heartbeat! However, my hormone levels were low and when I went back a week later this baby had not made it either. Testing showed this baby was "normal", and the miscarriage was called spontaneous.

I mourned very hard for each of these babies. After the first miscarriage I was shocked. How did this happen? I had a problem free pregnancy! How did I go from that to the loss of a child? After the second miscarriage I became more fearful. So, is this it? Am I meant to just have one child? Is that all I have been allotted by fate? I also started to notice bitterness in my line of sight. Suddenly, I was surrounded by pregnant women. My friends having their second (or more) kids. Pregnant strangers everywhere. The bitterness wasn't overwhelming, but I could feel it well up at moments.

"I don't want to be bitter."

I love the expanding families of my dear friends. All of my dear friends are fantastic parents who will add only good to the world through the raising of their sons and daughters. How to reconcile this love with this desire for the baby that others seem to be blessed with?

A miscarriage is suffering. Life is suffering. Be it a miscarriage, a decline in health, the loss of a parent, spouse, best friend, pet, job,...the list goes on. This world is temporal. Everything is lost in the end and too many things are lost before we are quite done with them.

This is suffering. Do not begrudge yourself for having suffered. Do not build walls. In my case the walls would be not continuing to try for my second baby.

Then, see the rest of the world as it truly is. Remember those friends and loved ones who have trod this path before you and join them. Their pain and yours is the connecting thread of life. It is the joy in the suffering.

So...

To you who have had miscarriages. I see you. I feel your pain. I hold your pain in hand with mine.

To you who are the first in your circle of friends and support network to suffer in this way. I see you. I offer you my loving support. You are not alone.

To those who have not yet experienced miscarriages, but will. The path is well worn. The pain is deep and dark. But when you are ready, I, and so many others, are here.

Although my pain does not lessen yours and your pain does not lessen mine, the sharing of having felt this paint is our humanity. Being here with you, even though it means having lost, brings me joy and not bitterness. Thank you so very much.

Welcome to Your Heart

Friends, my heart is a little broken. A little less than a month ago I found out that I lost my second pregnancy. I was nine and a half weeks and while the baby measured that size on the sonogram the baby did not have a heart beat. The moment that the tech said "we should be able to see the heart beat", I felt mine stop. The tech flipped on the ultra sound "sound" and there was deafening silence. What I had anticipated to be an beautiful experience was instead a brutal one.

Although our baby was not very far along, as soon as you know you are pregnant an attachment forms. I already knew the due date - March 23rd. I had already planned my maternity leave. I had already been impatient to know whether baby #2 would be a girl or boy. I was already in love.

I have no words that fully express the pain of the loss I continue to feel. But I think maybe sharing this with you will help me work through that pain and maybe, if I am lucky, help you if you ever experience the same. I have been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by women who have trod this path of sorrow before me. While this path is deeply painful no matter what, other lights shine on it. Thank you my friends for sharing your pain with me and holding mine sacred as well.

Just a few more details. This was our first sonogram. Owing to work/vacation schedules it was later than usual. I immediately went to the hospital to get my blood drawn and I had surgery the next day. My doctor did not recommend the medicine to spur my body to have a miscarriage or waiting it out. Surgery carries it's risks, but I am not a person who deals well with waiting, it made sense for me.  I did ok the morning of the surgery. I was sad, but still in shock. I was lucky my husband had been with me for the sono and the surgery.

Genetic testing was  done and this week found out our baby girl was positive for Turner's Syndrome, which is when there is missing an X chromosome, and is a very common cause of miscarriage. My doctor said this is the "best news in a worst case news scenario" meaning that it doesn't indicate that there is something wrong or that I would be likely to miscarry again.

Since my follow up appointment and finding out what went wrong to cause the miscarriage my broken heart is not quite yet ready to move on. My heart wants to linger here and remember my March Baby Girl.

Hi Sweetheart. 

Mommy loves you and misses you.

I was on vacation the week before the sonogram and I started listening to Rob Bell Podcasts. Perfectly timed universe. I stole the title for this blog post from a recent podcast from Rob on the Wisdom Tradition. Honestly, the wisdom set of podcasts from Rob as well as the lamentations series have helped me so much.

Recently, Rob talked about a friend of his who used to ask "what are you doing??". For the most part this phrase was maybe awkwardly inserted into conversations when someone was being a little rude or complaining, but as Rob says, it can kind of get stuck in your head. Right now it is stuck in mine. Given that I don't feel quite ready to move on...what am I doing?  Well, first I am writing to you...now you know about March Baby Girl.

Second, I determined to hit a physical reset button. I searched around for what to do and determined to follow Whole30. It's helpful that I already own the book, but also helpful that it's focus is really on "Whole foods" so no fruit, veggie restrictions. It also lasts 30 days, which is about the same amount of time as I have left before the doctors said we should try again. I dedicate these next 30 days to March Baby Girl. My Whole30 journey starts tomorrow. If you want to follow along I hope to post semi-regular updates. Mainly because I want this to be a month of reflection, healing, and time to give to my baby who is now a spirit. But whom I love just as much as though she were still here with me on earth. I love you sweetheart.

Farewell!!

Thank you very much for participating in my short lived endeavor into the blog world. I have enjoyed sharing some of my recent trips and thoughts on travel. Alas, this blog will go down with some of my other relatively short lived bursts of energy including training for a marathon (after completing the 2012 Marine Corps Marathon, I've barely run since), joining the Cornell equestrian team for a year (my teammates and the horses were awesome, 5am wake ups, not so much). I enjoy trying out new hobbies and seeing what sticks and what needs to be gently put aside. I will continue to travel and think about how much fun it would be to share my experience and tips with you. Perhaps someday we will meet again, and my life will involve fewer other demands and we can sit, ponder, and chat about our travels. May the road ahead always be curved.

Best,
Jade

Happy New Year!!

What have you been up too? Setting New Year's resolutions to travel more? Perhaps I need to set a resolution to not let two months pass without a blog post. :) Did you travel for the holidays? If you did, I hope that your holiday travels went smoothly and resulted in quality time with family and friends. We enjoyed both, though our holiday season got off to a bumpy start...

Our sweet little Eve ended up getting emergency back surgery the Monday before Thanksgiving. I am happy to fast forward you through some worrisome weeks when she was recovering the ability to use her back legs and report that she is doing amazing! Of course, she will always be a bit more restricted in terms of being allowed to go up and down stairs and jump on and off of furniture, but she is able to walk/run/hop/bark at other dogs and perform her morning stretch routine that always looks so satisfying. 

Now that things have settled I want to catch you up our recent travels around Washington, DC, San Antonio, TX, and Williamsburg, VA. 

Let's start with DC. Okay, DC is not exactly traveling for us. We live approximately 7 miles outside of the city in Northern Virginia, but if you don't live around here then it could be for you!!

(Full disclosure, I took this picture a few years ago from the top of the Washington Monument, which is currently closed to the public for repairs as a result of the earthquake in the summer of 2011. However, you can still visit the Mall, and all of its museum and monument attractions. Pictured are the World War  II Memorial and the Lincoln Memorial.)

My Dad came to visit us for Thanksgiving. We took advantage of the Smithsonian Museums on the Mall, which are free and open every day of the year other than Christmas. On other visits we've taken my Dad to the Air and Space Museum (both the DC and Virginia locations, if you are into planes and space shuttles the drive out to the Virginia location is worth it - just a warning you have to pay $15 for parking), and the Natural History Museum, so this year we went to the American History Museum. The American History Museum is great because it's really got a little bit of something for everyone. There is the flag that inspired the Star Spangled Banner, an exhibit on American in war, and one of my favorites  an exhibit on the first ladies featuring dresses worn at formal state events. Pretty cool.

(Image From Natural History Museum website.)

We also went to Mt. Vernon, the estate of George Washington.

This is not free to the public and is a slightly steep price at $17 per adult, but it is worth it and ranks as one of my all time favorite spots in Northern Virginia. The estate overlooks the Potomac river and Paul and I have attended a wine tasting event where we've been able to sit on Washington's lawn and sip wine and eat cheese and dessert.

Look at that view from the back porch! It's fun to think about enjoying Washington's view of his back yard.

It was a little chilly for picnicing in November, but walking around the grounds and touring the house is always enjoyable. Also, a few years ago they built an impressive museum and educational center with interesting interactive displays and a few 3D movies (this is good for a respite from heat or cold, depending on the season). Mt. Vernon is located in Alexandria, VA - about 15 miles outside of DC. 

If you are considering visiting DC, and are planning to rent a car to drive to places like Mt. Vernon, the Air and Space Museum in VA, or anywhere else I would highly recommend staying in Old Town Alexandria, VA. It is close to the yellow Metro line which will easily transport you to downtown DC, and Reagan National Airport (if you are flying) and the parking and hotel prices (even for the more upscale places like the Monaco) are lower in Alexandria than they would be in DC. Plus Old Town is located right along the water with centralized shopping and restaurants to make night life a little more low key, but just as entertaining as DC. If its your first time to DC and you plan on keeping things focused within the city limits then certainly it makes more sense to stay downtown. I wouldn't bother renting a car, but DC some sites are kind of spread out, so I would make good use of the metro. However, now we are getting into a whole other set of travel tips, which I will save for later. 

Travel Companions Ada and Eve

Over Columbus Day we -- me, Paul, and our two miniature doxies Ada and Eve -- road tripped to up state New York to visit my family. Fall is my favorite season in up state NY. The leaves are pretty, the air is crispy without being cold, and there is still enough day light to have some fun outside. It's short lived, but wonderful. However, it is also kind of far away. It's normally a 7 hour drive, give or take. This time when we left Virginia it was pouring rain. 9 hours later!!! We arrived a little road weary. This got me thinking how much our pups have it made hanging out in the backseat spa like set up (although don't tell Eve, she would much prefer to be in the front seat). Ada and Eve are actually 5 years old now, and have seen their fair share of the back seat for trips to see my family, Paul's family, and even the beach! I thought I would share a few of the pictures from over the years. (Ada is red, and Eve is black and tan). Do you travel with pets? Are they good at riding in the car? Have you ever taken then on a plane?

Let's Travel to Bryce Canyon (Going West Part 3 of 3)

Two good things happened last week. Paul and I went to visit my parents in upstate New York (mental imagery of beautiful fall colors and apple cider doughnuts), and the federal government reopened! So now a good time to wrap up my western adventure story because you can get back into the National Parks mentioned!

Last Stop: Bryce Canyon National Park (Part 1, Part 2)

One difference that you might notice right away is that unlike Zion you drive around the top edge of Bryce Canyon and then you walk/hike down into the park. At Zion we chatted with a few ladies who had just arrived from Bryce, and remarked how nice it was to feel some warmth in Zion, unlike the chilly Bryce. If you stay up here and drive around to the different viewing points it is around 15 to 20 degrees cooler than at the bottom of the canyon! But this was the active part of the trip for us...so down we went. 

It's a pretty steep decline, hello fellow tiny travelers!! 

But the park trails are very nicely built-up and maintained so it makes the descent reasonable. We hiked the Peek-a-Boo Loop and descended a total of 1555 feet. This trail is labeled "strenuous" by the National Park Service. The difficult part of this loop is that it is 5.5 miles long and there is not an insignificant amount of up and down. It seemed like almost every time we climb to the top of a hill we were headed back down.

(Graph from National Park Service)

See what I mean? But if you are up for a bit of a challenge, it is totally worth it, I felt like we got our best pictures and views on this hike. 

Like this one! So pretty.

And I don't look like I am working that hard! Of course, I think this was only about half way. While there we also walked the Navajo Trail, which is the one that basically gets you down and back from the bottom of the main part of the canyon. We also walked Queen's Garden, which to be honest I was kind of tired by that point, but I don't remember it being that great. Definitely the Peak-a-Boo Loop was my favorite.

This was on our way back up. Yes, I was definitely tired by this part. Paul, however, found some extra energy to essentially speed walked up the part because it was the narrowest part of the trail and of course it was close to the edge...not exactly fear of heights friendly. But we made it! And it was worth it.

A few other tips for Bryce Canyon
1) Stay in the park. We didn't, we stayed at a very nice B&B, Stone Canyon Inn, about 20 mins outside the park in Tropic, UT. If you love a great B&B with a quality breakfast and lovely shampoos and soaps, this is totally your place. But there is so much to do at night in the park, that I kind of regretted staying so far away. There also isn't much going on in Tropic. We ended up driving back to the park for dinner at the lodge in the park, which was fantastic. Dinner was rustic, but in the exact manner that you want rustic food: warm bread, prime rib, red wine.
2) Take advantage of the night events at the park. When we stopped by the visitor center we heard that they were going to have a star gazing that night and we might not have done it, but since we were back for dinner we figured, why not? I am so glad that we did. The park rangers set up maybe a half dozen or so of the most powerful telescopes that I had ever looked through. It was so cool!! I will say there were lines for each of the telescopes and as we were waiting in the much cooled off dessert evening I was thinking, ugh, why aren't we back at the B&B, until I looked through that first telescope. I was hooked we waited for all of them. Each was pointed at something different. I think my favorite was Saturn, you could actually see the rings around it! It looked almost too cool to be real.

(Picture from NASA)

Almost like this, only you aren't looking from the top and you are looking at it live!

We wrapped up the trip by driving back to Las Vegas, where we had a late flight, and time for one more fancy meal. If you aren't interested in Las Vegas the other way I considered doing this trip was to fly in and out of Salt Lake City. But I've been to Salt Lake City, and I had not been to Las Vegas. Maybe next time we will fly in and out Salt Lake City and we will go to Arches, Canyonlands, Capitol Reef, and the Grand Canyon. :) Where would you go first?

Let's Travel to Zion National Park (Going West Part 2 of 3)

Sadly, if you were currently trying to get into Zion National Park it would be closed on account of the government shutdown. However, once the shutdown is over, I would highly recommend a visit. Zion was stop number two on the great western adventure. (See Part 1 here)

First, I will qualify that we did not hike the most famous trail at Zion - Angels Landing. I searched around for a good pictorial representation of why and found this one from Heidikins.com 

I think that explains it. 

However, we did hike the second most famous, and completely amazing, trail - the Narrows. (PS. I love that it sounds like a trail straight out of Batman.) The Narrows trail was created by the Virgin River which carved a gorge about 16 miles long in the upper reaches of Zion Canyon. You hike in the river,  and at times the trail is only 20-30 feet wide between the rock. 

Because you are hiking through a river I would strongly advise sturdy water hiking boots. We rented these and walking sticks from Zion Adventure Company. I felt bad for the people in sandals because the rocks are slippery when wet!

The water level varies throughout the hike (in general it depends on recent rainfall or snow melts) and for the most part the water was only a couple feet deep but here you can see Paul with the water up to his chest. The weather was quite warm in late May when we were there so the water was nice and refreshing. If it were cooler weather I would recommend a water proof "dry bag", which you can also rent, with at least a sweater inside. 

If your really inspired to do a long hike, it's possible to get a permit and the length of the Narrows, but I found our in and out - around 6 miles total - very satisfying.

Other trails we hiked in Zion were the Weeping Rock Trail, very short but pretty because the water flow supports more flora and fauna than in other places of the park (pictured above). We started the Hidden Canyon Trail, only made it about half way up because its another trail with some sheer drop offs that are not so good for people with a fear of heights, and we completed the full Emerald Pool Trail System, which was steep but without sheer drop offs. :)

It is possible to book rooms inside the park, but we decided to stay just outside in Springdale, at Canyon Vista Lodge, a bed and breakfast. For us, this was the right move. The facilities inside the park looked nice, but there were a lot of tour and school buses parked outside. I can see the convenience if you are with a big group or family, but with just the two of us I found the outside of the park more laid back, and we didn't have any issues finding parking inside the park each day. Another plus to staying outside the park is that there are some fantastic food options. The first is Bit and Spur. We liked this so much we went there for dinner twice. We sat outside both nights and enjoyed yummy drinks, fresh fish, and some amazing ribs. If you decide to stay in the park, its worth a venture out for this place. The second must recommend is Oscar's Cafe, we ate breakfast here for our entire stay. Wait, didn't we stay at a bed and breakfast? Yes, and one of the best things about the Canyon Vista Lodge is that your breakfast is just whatever you want from this local, amazing, cafe. You just order off the menu, and leave a tip.

With full bellies, slightly frightened height awareness, and the best water hike ever, we set out through a hole in a mountain to continue on the great west adventure. Though, of course, we hit traffic.

Have you been to Zion? Did you brave Angels Landing?